I’ve thought a lot this week about why I want to start this journey of shedding inches (again).  You might think that’s simple – it’s better to be slimmer and healthy than fat – but I’ve forced myself to think about what I don’t like about being this fat – not a fun exercise but a necessary one to act as a reminder when I need it.

Before I get on to that though, a bit of a look at how this first week has been.  Overall I’d say pretty good, well that is until this weekend.  I’ve felt pretty focused and positive and I think that attitude alone has made me feel like I have more energy already. 

I started the week by stocking up on loads of fruit and veg and more importantly not buying the usual cheese and bread – in fact no bread at all. I also started a new work contract which has helped to keep me away from most temptation during the day.  I’ve realised that preparation is going to be key – so far I’ve managed to prepare my lunches the night before.  The my fitness app has been really helpful – I could see in the first few days I needed to increase the amount of protein I eat.  I don’t eat meat and I don’t want to eat fish all the time, so I’ve added more nuts, seeds and things like quinoa. The app has also made me realise that some things are a lot higher calories than thought – humous is a big one.  That is where the smaller portions is going to have to come in – which is, to be honest going to be a tough one, but I’m using my smaller plates which helps.

I know it’s not just about what you eat – but exercise too.  I’ve been waiting for places at local pilates and yoga classes and with perfect timing I started them both this week.  These along with my mediation class have all contributed to helping me feel positive and to have more energy. Being out in the evenings has also helped to stop me picking so much. It doesn’t matter if I’ve just had my dinner, I’m not hungry but I still want to eat, it is nothing to do with appetite,  it’s a habit that I need to break. 

I weighed myself on Wednesday morning and I was down six pounds, though when I weighed myself again once I’d got dressed I was down three not six.  But the amount doesn’t matter too much – as long as it’s down.

The weekend has been harder and I haven’t been great.  I’ve had a few drinks – well quite a few on Saturday after spending the afternoon and evening at a friends birthday gathering – I also had cheese and cake.  Sunday, today, was hard as I was tired and couldn’t be arsed.  I was really tempted to get some bread on my way home for toast but I resisted the temptation and compromised with some brown wraps.  I’ve prepped food for next week – roasted veg, boiled some eggs etc., I need to try and make this a new Sunday habit.  I haven’t used the my fitness app over the weekend – but I will get back to it tomorrow. Fingers crossed I haven’t ruined last weeks progress.

So now it is time to look at what don’t I like about being this fat.  I’ll be honest it isn’t something I consciously think about all the time, or particularly want to think about right now but I’m forcing myself to do it:

• Avoiding looking in the mirror when I’m naked
• Hating photographs where all I can see if my size
• My thighs rubbing together and to void it having to wear ugly shorts things under dresses or skirts
• Wide feet and calves so boots and shoes don’t fit
• My feet hurting because they carry so much weight
• Being out of breathe walking up a short distance
• Feeling heavy – well I am – but sometime you really feel it
• Being stared at, pointed at and pinched when travelling in asian countries particularly
• Thinking (only sometimes) that all people see is my size rather than me and judge me because of it
• Not being able to shop normal size shops – which is really shit when you are shopping with other people
• Having to shop in plus size shops
• My big tummy roll and feeling it bounce when I walk sometimes
• Clothes being too tight – so I avoid wearing fitted clothes and stick to what has become a bit of a uniform
• A wardrobe of clothes that don’t fit
• Sitting join a chair and finding it a really tight squeeze when everyone else looks comfy
• Struggling to do up an airplane safety belt and feeling squished in the seat
• Choosing not to do something because I don’t think I’m fit enough – or don’t want to show how unfit I am in front of other people

Some of these I’m conscious of – others like avoiding looking in the mirror and avoiding doing things – I’ve kind of just admitted to myself.  There are others that I think I consciously try to stop thinking about – such as wearing the same outfits and ignore the fact that it’s because other clothes don’t fit or look good.